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Ingredients of an Incredible Lover

What makes someone a great lover? Is it their physical appearance? What they sound and look like when having sex? Certainly there are surface level ways that make a person more sexually attractive in these ways. But what lies underneath? What are some of the qualities that create a truly GREAT lover, irrespective of looks or performance abilities? 

These are some of those qualities I have noticed over the years...

  • Self-acceptance. You don’t need to approve of all of yourself, but accepting who you are and where you are in your journey leads to a certain comfort and confidence in your presence. Being comfortable with yourself means your attention is likely to be more on your partner(s) than worrying about how you look or how you’re being perceived. 

  • Conversely, accepting the person(s) you’re intimate with shows you look at them through shades of kindness and love. You are finding the parts of them you find desirable and lovable. You are discovering the places you can connect to that have a spark.


  • The ability to receive, give, and ultimately, what I like to refer to as being a transceiver. There is an art to reception. The giving and receiving dance is beautiful when someone receives so well that they are, in fact, giving. And there’s a way to give that feels like you are receiving. The best way I know how to describe this is through oral sex. When I suck dick, I feel just as much in a position of reception as I do “giving head.” And when someone is sucking my pussy, my ability to surrender into the depths of my pleasure is a gift to my partner(s). 

  • Eye contact. Eye Contact. Eye Contact!!!! It’s intimate. It’s vulnerable. It helps soften our internal sharp corners and blocks our desires. It makes the sex SO MUCH BETTER. 
  • Listening beyond words. Humans communicate on so many levels other than words. Our bodies are always saying something with breath, mannerisms, sound, and touch, and even our genitals are saying things if you pay close attention. 

  • Good, basic hygiene ???? nobody likes how a ragged fingernail feels anywhere, especially in more tender areas ???? Don’t underestimate the beauty of a simple shower with soap. Wash your butt. If you’re uncircumcised, make sure you’re properly cleaning your dick. People with pussies, you simply need water, and you can use gentle soap on the *outside* of your genitalia if you must. And, please, do NOT spray your genitals with anything smelly. That’s unnecessary and, quite frankly, disgusting. I do not want a cologne bottle in my mouth. Plus, I’m going to guess that it’s terrible for your microbiome. 

  • The willingness to be silly, play, not get it right, adjust, and keep trying to find the right spot and rhythm. Sometimes, sex is funny. Or weird. You think you can do a particular position and fall over, or it isn’t playing out like it did in your head. Bodies are strange, and humans are complex systems. Fluids and sounds happen. There may be some poop sometimes if you’re into buttstuff. Clean it off, sanitize anything needed, and move it along. Some women ejaculate. Some women ejaculate A LOT (shout out to Sexy Charlotte in ATX). Tears don’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Crying is like an orgasm from the eyes. I LOVE it when I get that level of release, and I have a good cry. 

  • Vulnerability. Be honest with your partner about where you are and how you’re feeling. If you are nervous, sad, tired, guarded, or worried about something. Or feeling intense emotions about your partner. Letting your partner(s) inside your mind and emotional state helps them feel connected to you and will allow you to surrender more, which…makes the sex SO MUCH BETTER. 

  • Asking for what you want and being willing to hear a no without making it about you. It’s ok to ask for something you desire, and it’s ok for your partner(s) to say no, and you can STILL have sex. In fact, guess what? Asking for what you want in this way makes the sex SO MUCH BETTER! 

  • Being curious about what your partner(s) want. You don’t have to say yes to everything your partner wants, but simply being open to hearing about it is incredible. There are few places in our lives where we have a safe space to share ourselves so profoundly. Wouldn’t you want to have that space with someone you are intimate with? The ability to express your desires entirely without being shamed for them. Saying you want something does not mean you have to have it or will get it. Wanting and having are connected but not the same thing. 

  • Make your partner feel safe/do what you need to feel safe. When we feel safe, our vigilant center relaxes. It is challenging to orgasm when we are in a state of fight/flight/freeze. There are many ways to create safety, so you must figure out what you need in each scenario. And be willing to communicate that. Be willing to connect with your partner(s) to contribute to them feeling safe with you. 

  • Letting go of the attachment to climax in the orgasmic experience. Orgasm is so much more than that explosive, going over-the-edge feeling. Pleasure is available in every moment. Stay present, with your attention as much as possible, on the current sensations in your body. Stay present with the sensations happening in your partner(s) body. Notice the give & take and the feedback system you are creating together. Because, you guessed it, it will make the sex SO MUCH BETTER.  

Would you add anything to this list? In those times you've felt completely intimately enraptured with someone, what was it that had you leaving feeling like a buzzing beam of light and with a little skip in your step? 

With love, 

Julia Eve

Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash