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An Honest Arrangement- Musings From Failed Attempts

Every relationship has an exchange of energy. Each person has resources available to them to offer. What those resources look like can vary. Time. Attention. Service. Connections to others or things one would like. Materials. Knowledge that is beneficial to the other. Money. Food. Weapons. Land. Security. Anything you can think of that will get someone from point A to point B. 

Because at the end of the day, we *need* each other. While we don't need sex or intimacy to survive, we do require it to thrive. We are hardwired for community, connection, and communion. 

In experimenting with relationships and money, I have yet to succeed in one particular dynamic: arrangements. They are inherently dishonest, tend towards the manipulative side of things, and the energy exchange is unequal. Boundaries are muddied, becoming unclear. What I appreciate about session work is that all parties are very clear about what each is showing up with and for. And then you go about your merry life, away and apart from each other.

That being said, these are a few things I learned while exploring arrangements that I will keep in mind should an exciting opportunity present itself:

  1. Make sure you ask for enough compensation. Consider the following factors:
    • Time expected from you for all interactions: in person, texting, phone, trips. How much of your daily attention is being given/invested in this person. 
    • Consider what you may be sacrificing in your current and future business. The more exclusive, the higher the financial offer. Ask for enough to offset the cost of not growing your business. 

  1. Ask for your financial compensation two months in advance. When things go awry, you will likely not be given your money for the current month. Think of the second month's allowance as a deposit and put it aside for that inevitable moment you need to restart/rebuild your previous business or find employment. This way, you're not left scrambling trying to pay your bills.

  1. Be honest about what you want/expect and what you are available for. This can be done with kindness and tact. But the more direct you can be, the less room there is for nonsense. 

  1. Pay close attention to red flags indicating your benefactor is not honest with you about their desires/intentions/limitations. Hold them accountable for being transparent in their communication and the boundaries of your relationship. 

  1. Appreciate the gifts offered, and also ask for what *you* want. If they are more valuable gifts, such as jewelry, do your research and have them be investment pieces worth something in the future. For example, not all diamonds are valuable. Even if they have a $20,000 price tag!

     6. Prioritize your mental health! You want to show up as your most radiant, loving, sexy self.

  1. Notice if you start harboring resentment or a strong aversion to the person. That's a sign that something isn't right and needs immediate attention. It could be on your end of things. It could be on their end. Talk it out. Figure it out. Resentment only grows and gets worse if ignored. 

So…would I entertain another arrangement? Absolutely, I would! My skepticism lies within the doubt that a suitable partner would be transparent and honest enough with themselves. And thus, with me. They would have to be able to separate the depth of emotion from a specific storyline. They would need the ability to cultivate intimacy, care, and love without the attachment to the relationship looking like running away together or hiding me in a tower. One of the tenets of an arrangement is *not* combining lives. You each have completely separate, private lives apart from each other, but come together for relief, fun, and excitement! You come to each other, offering your particular resources to enrich each other's lives. 

The arrangements I have had and have witnessed others have do not include that level of awareness or transparency. In fact, they carry with them a strong sense of fantasy and illusion that quickly erode healthy boundaries. 

And that, my friends, is a recipe for heartache and headaches.

With Love, 

Julia Eve