What makes someone a great lover? Is it their physical appearance? What they sound and look like when having sex? Certainly there are surface level ways that make a person more sexually attractive in these ways.... But what lies underneath? What are some of the qualities that create a truly GREAT lover, irrespective of looks or performance abilities? 

These are some of those qualities I have noticed over the years...

• Self-acceptance. You don’t need to approve of all of yourself, but accepting who you are and where you are in your journey leads to a certain comfort and confidence in your presence. Being comfortable with yourself means your attention is likely to be more on your partner(s) than worrying about how you look or how you’re being perceived. 

• Conversely, accepting the person(s) you’re intimate with shows you look at them through shades of kindness and love. You are finding the parts of them you find desirable and lovable. You are discovering the places you can connect to that have a spark.

• The ability to receive, give, and ultimately, what I like to refer to as being a transceiver. There is an art to reception. The giving and receiving dance is beautiful when someone receives so well that they are, in fact, giving. And there’s a way to give that feels like you are receiving. The best way I know how to describe this is through oral sex. When I suck dick, I feel just as much in a position of reception as I do “giving head.” And when someone is sucking my pussy, my ability to surrender into the depths of my pleasure is a gift to my partner(s). 

• Eye contact. Eye Contact. Eye Contact!!!! It’s intimate. It’s vulnerable. It helps soften our internal sharp corners and blocks our desires. It makes the sex SO MUCH BETTER. 
• Listening beyond words. Humans communicate on so many levels other than words. Our bodies are always saying something with breath, mannerisms, sound, and touch, and even our genitals are saying things if you pay close attention. 

• Good, basic hygiene ???? nobody likes how a ragged fingernail feels anywhere, especially in more tender areas ???? Don’t underestimate the beauty of a simple shower with soap. Wash your butt. If you’re uncircumcised, make sure you’re properly cleaning your dick. People with pussies, you simply need water, and you can use gentle soap on the *outside* of your genitalia if you must. And, please, do NOT spray your genitals with anything smelly. That’s unnecessary and, quite frankly, disgusting. I do not want a cologne bottle in my mouth. Plus, I’m going to guess that it’s terrible for your microbiome. 

• The willingness to be silly, play, not get it right, adjust, and keep trying to find the right spot and rhythm. Sometimes, sex is funny. Or weird. You think you can do a particular position and fall over, or it isn’t playing out like it did in your head. Bodies are strange, and humans are complex systems. Fluids and sounds happen. There may be some poop sometimes if you’re into buttstuff. Clean it off, sanitize anything needed, and move it along. Some women ejaculate. Some women ejaculate A LOT (shout out to Sexy Charlotte in ATX). Tears don’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Crying is like an orgasm from the eyes. I LOVE it when I get that level of release, and I have a good cry. 

• Vulnerability. Be honest with your partner about where you are and how you’re feeling. If you are nervous, sad, tired, guarded, or worried about something. Or feeling intense emotions about your partner. Letting your partner(s) inside your mind and emotional state helps them feel connected to you and will allow you to surrender more, which…makes the sex SO MUCH BETTER. 

• Asking for what you want and being willing to hear a no without making it about you. It’s ok to ask for something you desire, and it’s ok for your partner(s) to say no, and you can STILL have sex. In fact, guess what? Asking for what you want in this way makes the sex SO MUCH BETTER! 

• Being curious about what your partner(s) want. You don’t have to say yes to everything your partner wants, but simply being open to hearing about it is incredible. There are few places in our lives where we have a safe space to share ourselves so profoundly. Wouldn’t you want to have that space with someone you are intimate with? The ability to express your desires entirely without being shamed for them. Saying you want something does not mean you have to have it or will get it. Wanting and having are connected but not the same thing. 

• Make your partner feel safe/do what you need to feel safe. When we feel safe, our vigilant center relaxes. It is challenging to orgasm when we are in a state of fight/flight/freeze. There are many ways to create safety, so you must figure out what you need in each scenario. And be willing to communicate that. Be willing to connect with your partner(s) to contribute to them feeling safe with you. 

• Letting go of the attachment to climax in the orgasmic experience. Orgasm is so much more than that explosive, going over-the-edge feeling. Pleasure is available in every moment. Stay present, with your attention as much as possible, on the current sensations in your body. Stay present with the sensations happening in your partner(s) body. Notice the give & take and the feedback system you are creating together. Because, you guessed it, it will make the sex SO MUCH BETTER.  

Would you add anything to this list? In those times you've felt completely intimately enraptured with someone, what was it that had you leaving feeling like a buzzing beam of light and with a little skip in your step? 

With love, 

Julia Eve

Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash

Every relationship has an exchange of energy. Each person has resources available to them to offer. What those resources look like can vary. Time. Attention. Service. Connections to others or things one would like. Materials.... Knowledge that is beneficial to the other. Money. Food. Weapons. Land. Security. Anything you can think of that will get someone from point A to point B. 

Because at the end of the day, we *need* each other. While we don't need sex or intimacy to survive, we do require it to thrive. We are hardwired for community, connection, and communion. 

In experimenting with relationships and money, I have yet to succeed in one particular dynamic: arrangements. They are inherently dishonest, tend towards the manipulative side of things, and the energy exchange is unequal. Boundaries are muddied, becoming unclear. What I appreciate about session work is that all parties are very clear about what each is showing up with and for. And then you go about your merry life, away and apart from each other.

That being said, these are a few things I learned while exploring arrangements that I will keep in mind should an exciting opportunity present itself:

1. Make sure you ask for enough compensation. Consider the following factors:
   • Time expected from you for all interactions: in person, texting, phone, trips. How much of your daily attention is being given/invested in this person. 
   • Consider what you may be sacrificing in your current and future business. The more exclusive, the higher the financial offer. Ask for enough to offset the cost of not growing your business. 

2. Ask for your financial compensation two months in advance. When things go awry, you will likely not be given your money for the current month. Think of the second month's allowance as a deposit and put it aside for that inevitable moment you need to restart/rebuild your previous business or find employment. This way, you're not left scrambling trying to pay your bills.

3. Be honest about what you want/expect and what you are available for. This can be done with kindness and tact. But the more direct you can be, the less room there is for nonsense. 

4. Pay close attention to red flags indicating your benefactor is not honest with you about their desires/intentions/limitations. Hold them accountable for being transparent in their communication and the boundaries of your relationship. 

5. Appreciate the gifts offered, and also ask for what *you* want. If they are more valuable gifts, such as jewelry, do your research and have them be investment pieces worth something in the future. For example, not all diamonds are valuable. Even if they have a $20,000 price tag!

     6. Prioritize your mental health! You want to show up as your most radiant, loving, sexy self.

7. Notice if you start harboring resentment or a strong aversion to the person. That's a sign that something isn't right and needs immediate attention. It could be on your end of things. It could be on their end. Talk it out. Figure it out. Resentment only grows and gets worse if ignored. 

So…would I entertain another arrangement? Absolutely, I would! My skepticism lies within the doubt that a suitable partner would be transparent and honest enough with themselves. And thus, with me. They would have to be able to separate the depth of emotion from a specific storyline. They would need the ability to cultivate intimacy, care, and love without the attachment to the relationship looking like running away together or hiding me in a tower. One of the tenets of an arrangement is *not* combining lives. You each have completely separate, private lives apart from each other, but come together for relief, fun, and excitement! You come to each other, offering your particular resources to enrich each other's lives. 

The arrangements I have had and have witnessed others have do not include that level of awareness or transparency. In fact, they carry with them a strong sense of fantasy and illusion that quickly erode healthy boundaries. 

And that, my friends, is a recipe for heartache and headaches.

With Love, 

Julia Eve

When the seed was planted in my head, a mere curiosity got buried in the back of my mind. The mid-20s stay-at-home mom whose only understanding of relationship & intimacy was to tether yourself to one person... forever because that was what you vowed to do before some imagined force named God, irrespective of how terrible they made you feel or treated you. As I read “In the Company of the Courtesan” by Sarah Dunant, wearing a mumu dress I found in the racks of a local Goodwill, I wondered, “What would that be like? What would it feel like to be wanted, desired, treasured, and provided for? Offered money and gifts in exchange for your presence and beauty and body?” 

I longed to feel desired. At the time, my husband would barely acknowledge me in the room when he was home. In the few and far between moments, he cared for our very young children so that I could have alone time at the grocery store. I meticulously counted each penny in my basket with a small notepad and pencil. In case I needed to erase something. 

It was then that a seed was planted. 

After we divorced and then separated, I started dating and having sex again. I hadn’t had sex but a handful of times in my 20s. I had more sex as a teenager! I actually had a lot of sex as a teenager because I’ve always been a slut. I was not new to the world responding to me as a sexual creature. I was a girl raised in our culture with men making comments, whether they were inappropriate or ones coming from a place of admiration, which made it feel different. Still, from a young age, I noticed the effect I could have on people by walking through a room. Not only with how I looked but how I behaved. How I spoke. How I felt. I could put my attention on someone and let them consume me. 

As I started to date for the first time as an adult, I WAS STARVING. RAVENOUS. For touch. For attention. For kisses. To be held and cherished and loved. I started to learn about other options for being in relationships. Different options for sex. Polyamory. BDSM. Orgasmic Meditation. Tantra. Sex Magic. AND I WANTED IT ALL. How did this body work? How could I learn to have otherworldly orgasms that I’ve heard are possible? I met people who were open-minded, intelligent, sensual, and magical. Explorative. 

As I went head first into a journey of sexual exploration, I also found myself in a position with 2 young children, no roof over our heads, and no real education or training for me to quickly find a job that could make me an affordable living; because, I had spent my 20s utterly devoted to being a stay at home mother who helped her husband with his business. I truly believed I was committed to that marriage for the rest of *his* life. He was older. Much, much older. During this time, I also started to awaken to the fact that he had been 55 when he met me. I was 19. 

19!!!!! I have a 19-year-old now. I can’t imagine not doing everything possible to veer my child away from that dynamic. I can’t even imagine my child being in a position where that would be possible. But at that time, I was alone in a big world looking for something and had absolutely nobody to guide me. Naturally, I chose to be cared for and become a mother. In hindsight, choosing someone with some money would have been slightly better. 

So there I was, now 29, faced with the need to make money, pursue a passion, AND not willing to settle for less anymore. Then somebody said, “I have a friend you should meet. You remind me of her. She’s been an escort for 15 years.” 

And so that tiny seed in the back of my head, buried deep in the soil of my mind, was watered. 

Ok, ok, ok. Bit of a hook in the title.

Not entirely untrue, tho...ugh.

Something I am consistently surprised by is just how many people do not understand or use condoms correctly. We hear, "USE PROTECTION!" And rightfully so! Condoms have helped our sex health in an incredibly positive way! 

But how do you pick one? There are SO MANY choices. Choices are fraught with an idea of what kind of dick you have. "I'll take the Magnum" *wink wink*

Yeah, sorry, but that's a terrible condom for many. Unless it does fit you, you risk it falling off. Or fuck, it might be too small. What then? It's also a thick condom if you don't get the Thin version. However, thick can sometimes be helpful. More on that later.

Here, I'm going to list a few key things to consider when trying to choose a condom. I am not a doctor. These are my opinions based on some facts and my extensive research for the past 12 years in the lab. *wink wink* I may be missing some stuff. It's even possible I am not 100% correct on everything. I'm open to this being a living document, so feel free to send me *constructive* feedback! 

I'll also offer some suggestions at the end. 

1- IF IT DOESN'T FIT CORRECTLY, IT'S NOT GOING TO OFFER MAX PROTECTION!!!! If it's not snug enough, it will come off. If it's too tight, it can cut off circulation to your cock, and I hear that it doesn't always feel too good. If you want a squeeze at the base of your cock, use a cock ring :) To find your perfect condom, you will need to research and explore. I have a selection of my faves that I will list later. My One Custom Fit is an excellent service where you can find your PERFECT size. They have 52 different sized condoms!!!!!!!!!! Wow. It gives you some perspective, eh? 

2- Make sure you are putting it on correctly. There's a way to unroll it and gently (or not so gently, whatever you're into) squeeze the air out of the reservoir tip. That is there to catch the cum. But if there's an air balloon, it may rupture more easily. 

3- TIP for the tip: put a little bit of lube in the reservoir before you put the condom on.

4- If you have multiple partners, use condoms on your toys. Or even if you don't have multiple partners, it makes cleanup SOOOOOO much more effortless. 

5- If you are having sex with multiple people at the same time, make sure to change the condom before swapping partners. Otherwise, only the cock is protected. Unless the pussies are fluid bonded. Have that conversation if needed. Everything is a choose-your-own-adventure in my world. 

6- Latex sensitivities are higher in females. Make sure you find a non-latex option in your search. 

7- INTERNAL (or FEMALE) CONDOMS: not the sexiest option as it's like a sock you have to insert into your vagina, and it takes a moment to make sure you don't get it twisted. But they can be a fantastic option for anyone who has a difficult time staying erect in that transition period between hard and putting on the condom. They can also be a good option for water play (have you ever been in the water and then tried to put on a condom???) And they can be inserted up to 8 hours before sex! So, if you want that extra level of spontaneity and the illusion of bareback, they can be fun! They do also offer a tiny bit more protection for the pussy as it covers part of the labia. 

Fun fact: You can use them for anal sex. At least, that's what I hear. I have no personal experience using this form of protection for anal. Not sure about having it hang out in your butt for hours before. If anyone has personal experience with this, I would love to hear about it!

8- LAMBSKIN: Only suitable for pregnancy protection!!!! They do not offer protection against STIs. I repeat: 

****LAMBSKIN CONDOMS DO NOT PROTECT YOU FROM STIS ****

They have tiny pore size holes because they are made of skin. I know, right? It never occurred to me, either.

9- LELO Hex Condoms: It seems like a sleek, modern condom: sexy packaging and futuristic looking. However, if they get a tiny little hole, the condom stays intact except for the tiny little hole. A traditional condom will burst if it gets a tiny hole. This is a good thing because then you know it has happened. With the Hex condoms, you don't see that you've just had a condom break. It is creating a false sense of safety. 

10- I do not like condoms with spermicide. The chemical in it can be irritating and cause your pussy to become more vulnerable if you are using them a lot. At least have a non-spermicide option available and ask your partner before using any condom that has anything added to it. 

11- RIBBED? WARMING? FLAVORED? I'm not too fond of these. So I can't offer much here. But there must be someone out there who enjoys that sort of thing. Explore, explore, explore!

12- COLORED? GLOW IN THE DARK? I dunno, sounds fun? Different colored condoms are handy for playing with toys with others because you can assign a color to a person, and you know which toy has been inside of which person :) Red-colored condoms can be nice if you're menstruating.

13- A thicker condom can sometimes be helpful if you cum more quickly than you would like and want to last longer. 

14- Putting a condom on a soft cock? Here's a lovely article I found online, replete with demonstrative images. You're welcome. 

https://joanprice.com/2016/04/how-to-put-condom-on-soft-penis-wi.html

15- Last, but not least, remember: lube is our friend! Water-based, silicone, and oil based can be used on non-latex condoms.  But DO NOT USE OIL BASED ANYTHING WITH LATEX. Oil can damage latex and make it more susceptible to breaking. Lube also helps prevent breakage. It also feels good!

CONDOMS I LIKE & RESOURCES

My favorite is Okamoto 004. Non-latex. They seem the most adaptable for the broadest range of lengths and girths. Most of my partners have liked them. I like their thinness, and I've never had one of those slip off during sex. 

Skyn Condoms are beloved by many and pretty adaptable. They are non-latex and come in different sizes. If you like Magnums, try Skyn Elite.

LifeStyles Snugger Fit is a good option for those on the smaller side. Latex. 

https://worldcondoms.com is a good resource with everything categorized well to try different kinds. 

https://onecondoms.com/pages/myone is where you can get fitted for your very own custom size! It is helpful for anyone on either side of the average size spectrum or struggling to find the right size in standard sizes. Or if you're just curious. Or you're feeling fancy. Happy to assist with measuring...

https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/basics/hiv-prevention/condoms.html is an article about condoms and how to use them

https://sexwithemily.com/the-basics-of-safe-sex/ Article on The Basics of Safe Sex

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/how-do-you-use-lube-with-condoms#:~:text=Water%2Dbased%20or%20silicone%20lube,with%20non%2Dlatex%20plastic%20condoms.">https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/how-do-you-use-lube-with-condoms#:~:text=Water%2Dbased%20or%20silicone%20lube,with%20non%2Dlatex%20plastic%20condoms.">https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/how-do-you-use-lube-with-condoms#:~:text=Water%2Dbased%20or%20silicone%20lube,with%20non%2Dlatex%20plastic%20condoms.

There is a plethora of options out there, and if you are having a difficult time with condoms, it's worth the investment of trying to figure out what works best for your continued safety and pleasure! 

And don't forget, if you need someone to practice with, you know where to find me ;)

With love, 

Julia Eve

Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash

As Dr. Emily Morse likes to say, “Communication is a lubrication.”

Yes! You filthy, dirty animal, a little dirty talk can be fun! That’s not quite what she’s trying to say....-weight: 400;"> 

The other day, I had a wonderful new friend come to visit. I greeted him enthusiastically with a hug and a kiss at the door, he wanted to take a quick rinse, and then he sat down at the edge of the bed, wrapped in a towel. 

He then asks, “can we talk first about what sort of session I’m interested in and about what you enjoy? See where we might make the most of our time?”

YES! Absolutely. Definitely. PLEASE!!!! As I tempered my screaming-for-joy insides in response, he let me know that his intimacy needs are fully met at home, and was looking to satiate his raunchier side. 

While I’m adept at figuring out what’s wanted and leading a session, I haven’t figured out how to read minds. To the extent you tell me what you want, what your desires are for our time together, is to the extent I can give them to you. And that is why I am here! I’m here to give you what you want (within reason, natch.) My role is that of a fantasy fulfiller, desire satiatior, and erotic curator.

Equally as important? My pleasure.

When someone is direct with what they want, it turns me on. Because my get off is connected to your get off. And, I PROMISE your get off will be much greater if I stay in my pleasure. Think of our experience together like a Venn diagram. There’s a circle filled with your desires. There is a second circle filled with mine. Then, there’s where those circles overlap. That’s where we can potentiate our experience. Part of my job is to find, as quickly as possible, where that overlap is. Being that time is of the essence here, the more information I have, the quicker I can find that overlap. Of course, there is also something to be said for the natural discovery of desires as time allows. *wink wink*

May I ask- what is it you desire in this moment with me?

Yours truly, 

Julia Eve

Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

GO SLOW! Get that clit PREPPED! You want her pussy soft, fat and WET before penetration. And don't forget, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH USING LUBE!!!! A woman not getting wet is not necessarily a direct correlation to her turnon or ability to orgasm. There are many reasons we can't get wet... sometimes. Reasons that are out of our control. So be kind. Use lube :) 

Also...Magnums are the racist condom. She's right. I've always hated regular Magnums. Haven't you noticed how horrible they feel???? I have much better suggestions for the more well endowed. And equally great suggestions for those needing a smaller fit. Safe sex is smart. Your condom actually fitting you and knowing how to put one on correctly is key. But, that's a whole other blog! And looks like I'll have to get my Suggestions list going soon.

Part 1- The Vulva

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwuIiE5zC10

Warmly,

Julia Eve

Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash

You know the old adage, "practice makes perfect." 

In a sense, that's true. From a different viewpoint, perfection is an illusion. 

The truth is, what we're really searching for is Mastery. Mastery of any skill requires time on the mat. It requires experien...ce. It requires education. It requires a Mentor. And sex is no different than any other skill you would develop. 

Some people are more intuitive when it comes to sex. I have always had very open, and accepting, beliefs around sex and intimacy. Even as a young girl, I longed to connect with others in a physical way. And didn't really see how that had to extend to commitment or a romantic relationship. Why not spend time touching, caressing, kissing, fucking a friend? A stranger? What a great way to get to know someone!

But no matter how in touch you are with your body or your sexuality, you can always learn something new. 

SEX IS A PRACTICE. 

You can learn anatomy (which most of us are not taught adequately.) You can learn techniques (which most of us have gathered from porn.)

***PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT***

Not sure if you know this yet, but porn is NOT the best way to learn about sex! I mean, I love good porn just as much as the next guy, it can be hot to watch with a partner, and provide great fodder for masturbating, and sure you can even get some fun ideas to explore! BUT. A very big BUT. It is NOT the best way to learn about sex.  And, currently, it is the main way we learn about sex. [insert sad face emoji here]

You don't see all the prep work that goes into each scene. You don't see the amount of faking involved. You don't see all the lube that was injected before a woman is fucked to high heaven.

***********************************

SEX IS A PRACTICE.

When you are trying to get fitter, do you go to the gym once or twice and expect results? NO. When you start a yoga practice do you expect to nail all the poses immediately? NO. When you learn to play an instrument, doesn't it take many, many hours of attention, energy, and PRACTICE to even be kinda good at it? Let alone MASTERING that skill? 

Find someone (or someones) that you can practice with! Be willing to make mistakes. Be willing to laugh about something not quite working as you thought it would in your mind. Be willing to fail. Find a Mentor. Someone who knows the art of pleasure and how to help you learn to become more intimate in your own relationships. Because, sure, getting your dick sucked is great. But understanding what you like, what you don't like, and how to replicate that in other experiences is the practice of sex. 

And who doesn't want to Master the art of sex?

Yours Truly in Practice, 

Julia Eve

Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash